D.E.A.F
(Deep Enigmatic Audist Force)
written by Sabina England, 2013
Dedicated to my childhood self, my teenaged self, and to my current self.
blackness
stillness
nothing
in the air
world quiet
everywhere, streets bursting full
of people walking, running, talking
voices echoing across
their sounds
become motionless
meaningless
the world
stands still
silence.
my ears empty
darkness in the canals
void reality
people scream
i remain untouched.
my brain, it’s full.
images
thoughts
words
feelings.
i look at people.
watching
from the corner of my world
hearing people,
everywhere, all over
this big, mysterious world.
i’m here,
but i’m not here.
i exist,
but i don’t exist.
hearing people
careless, uncaring,
moving their mouths
wildly like animals,
laughter.
slumped in the corner
with the mice ‘n’ cats
lint, dirt, lice
we watch
hearing people
everywhere, all over
this big, mysterious world.
people walk by
run
laugh
talk
scream
yet
i remain untouched.
people ignore me,
don’t care.
i don’t exist
but
people
still stare.
while
people run, talk, laugh, yell
they stare at me.
while they dash across
and dance around,
spinning,
their arms wide,
they keep their eyes on me
and stare,
their eyeballs penetrating my soul.
i never know
if they wanna stare
the hearing aids in my ears
or to watch me
moving my hands around to convey sign language
or do they want to gawk
because my head is covered in hijab
or was it because my mother wore saree with bindi?
do they think i’m a child cyborg with machines in my ears
or maybe
they think i’m an anomaly for being a little deaf brown girl with parents who dress like foreigners from a faraway fantasy place across the world?
they must think
i’m
a
freak.
twenty miles away from liverpool
a white blonde girl
called me ugly
said we looked like monkeys.
i wanted to hit her face.
i just turned away and turned red
wished my brown skin would become white
my parents would become English
stop wearing stupid Indian clothes
stop speaking Hindi
stop praying Salat
stop eating Indian food with their hands
fucking monkeys!
i was invisible
but i still stood out the most
from everyone
in
life
people ignored me
but treated me like shit,
talkin down to me
as if i was retarded.
i never knew
if they looked down at me
for being deaf
or Indian
a dirty paki
or was it because i’m muslim
or because my parents were immigrants
who stole their jobs.
the way they treated me
made
me
hate
Indians
Muslims
deaf people
brown people
they
made
me
hate
myself
blackness.
still.
silence.
hold on.
deaf (desi) gurl
alone
isolated
nothing in the air.
the whole world remains quiet
my ears empty
my heart, full.
dark
brimming with
rage
sorrow
hate.
billions of humans
on this planet,
and still
i’m so alone.
(Deep Enigmatic Audist Force)
written by Sabina England, 2013
Dedicated to my childhood self, my teenaged self, and to my current self.
blackness
stillness
nothing
in the air
world quiet
everywhere, streets bursting full
of people walking, running, talking
voices echoing across
their sounds
become motionless
meaningless
the world
stands still
silence.
my ears empty
darkness in the canals
void reality
people scream
i remain untouched.
my brain, it’s full.
images
thoughts
words
feelings.
i look at people.
watching
from the corner of my world
hearing people,
everywhere, all over
this big, mysterious world.
i’m here,
but i’m not here.
i exist,
but i don’t exist.
hearing people
careless, uncaring,
moving their mouths
wildly like animals,
laughter.
slumped in the corner
with the mice ‘n’ cats
lint, dirt, lice
we watch
hearing people
everywhere, all over
this big, mysterious world.
people walk by
run
laugh
talk
scream
yet
i remain untouched.
people ignore me,
don’t care.
i don’t exist
but
people
still stare.
while
people run, talk, laugh, yell
they stare at me.
while they dash across
and dance around,
spinning,
their arms wide,
they keep their eyes on me
and stare,
their eyeballs penetrating my soul.
i never know
if they wanna stare
the hearing aids in my ears
or to watch me
moving my hands around to convey sign language
or do they want to gawk
because my head is covered in hijab
or was it because my mother wore saree with bindi?
do they think i’m a child cyborg with machines in my ears
or maybe
they think i’m an anomaly for being a little deaf brown girl with parents who dress like foreigners from a faraway fantasy place across the world?
they must think
i’m
a
freak.
twenty miles away from liverpool
a white blonde girl
called me ugly
said we looked like monkeys.
i wanted to hit her face.
i just turned away and turned red
wished my brown skin would become white
my parents would become English
stop wearing stupid Indian clothes
stop speaking Hindi
stop praying Salat
stop eating Indian food with their hands
fucking monkeys!
i was invisible
but i still stood out the most
from everyone
in
life
people ignored me
but treated me like shit,
talkin down to me
as if i was retarded.
i never knew
if they looked down at me
for being deaf
or Indian
a dirty paki
or was it because i’m muslim
or because my parents were immigrants
who stole their jobs.
the way they treated me
made
me
hate
Indians
Muslims
deaf people
brown people
they
made
me
hate
myself
blackness.
still.
silence.
hold on.
deaf (desi) gurl
alone
isolated
nothing in the air.
the whole world remains quiet
my ears empty
my heart, full.
dark
brimming with
rage
sorrow
hate.
billions of humans
on this planet,
and still
i’m so alone.
