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Dec 23, 2009
Dec 16, 2009
60 Jesus and Muhammad
JESUS AND MUHAMMAD
Insha'Allah--
Mera Devi Kali--
I appeal to Jesus and the Virgin Mary,
I beseech you, Holy Buddha.
Life will improve for me and you.
But I also hope life improves for them...
These fucking freaks.
Whoever they are.
.................................
Jesus Gomez,
Muhammad Hamid,
They met workin' at the Rig.
2 Big Boyz
With NO Big Dreamz 2 Become BIG
No, they just wanna be left alone 2 drink in peace.
..................................
2 Suspicious-Lookin' Colored Boyz
Walkin' Into the Bank
They didn't look like no 'Yanks'
People's hearts sank
The whiteys,
They felt something mighty bad will happen.
The whitey cop yakked his gun out,
He barked out an order
"DOWN, boys, DOWN!"
..................................
The 2 Boyz
Just mindin' their own goddamned business
But weren't gonna be ordered around like DOGS.
Fuck you, Mister Cop. Suck my DICK!
Jesus and Muhammad,
they just wanna get down 2 the strip club
to have FUN,
to meet GIRLS,
to drink BEER,
but they needed MONEY first.
but the gun went off.
AND IT ALL ENDS IN A BLOODY, MESSY TRAGEDY
////////////////////////////////////
U CUD SAY JESUS DIED FOR HIS SINS
(THAT HE HADN'T COMMITTED YET, BUT STILL HAD DIRTY THOUGHTS IN HIS MIND)
POOR MUHAMMAD, NO ONE LIKED THE BLACKIES
SO HE GOT SHOT AND KILLED.
////////////////////////////////////
AND NOW, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!!!
BUT PLEASE-- HOLD THE APPLAUSE.
THE PLAY WILL BEGIN.
JESUS AND MUHAMMAD
A Very Short Stage Play (The Last Play of 2009)
written by Sabina England
New York City, 1930s
CHARACTERS
JESUS GOMEZ, dark-skinned Latino American, 30s.
MUHAMMAD HAMID, dark-skinned African American, 30s.
TIME
Noon.
PLACE
At work, at the construction site.
THE PLAY BEGINS
Long, hard morning at the construction site. Two dark skinned men, Jesus Gomez and Muhammad Hamid, have been hard at work all day.
JESUS
I need a break. I gotta sit down, man.
MUHAMMAD
I’m also tired. I’ll join you.
They sit down on beam. Muhammad drinks from a sports energy drink. Jesus takes a brown paper bag out of his toolbox.
He looks through his bag and takes out very large sandwich.
JESUS
You hungry?
MUHAMMAD
Maybe. What’s in your sandwich?
JESUS
Meat.
MUHAMMAD
What kinda meat?
JESUS
Beef.
MUHAMMAD
Beef?
JESUS
Yeah, beef.
(waves the sandwich in the air)
Want some?
MUHAMMAD
Well-
JESUS
It’s kosher.
MUHAMMAD
Yeah?
JESUS
Yeah.
(beat)
You can’t beat kosher.
MUHAMMAD
Alright gimme some.
Jesus breaks part off his sandwich and hands it to Muhammad, they eat in a few moments of silence.
MUHAMMAD
Waitaminute. Why do you eat kosher beef?
JESUS
My wife only buys kosher meat, so it’s all we have at home.
MUHAMMAD
Why would your wife do that? I thought only Jews eat kosher.
JESUS
I am Jewish.
MUHAMMAD
I thought you were Catholic.
JESUS
Naw, naw, man.
(eats, then speaks)
My mother named me after a local clown in a village in Honduras where she grew up.
MUHAMMAD
A clown, huh?
JESUS
Yes.
MUHAMMAD
In Honduras?
JESUS
Yeah.
MUHAMMAD
I always figured you were from Mexico.
JESUS
Why do people think that?
MUHAMMAD
I don’t know.
(beat)
So you weren’t named after Jesus Christ?
JESUS
Of course not. My mother was a Jew. Why the hell would she name me after Jesus Christ.
MUHAMMAD
A clown. Goddamn. What was so special about the clown?
JESUS
He made her laugh.
MUHAMMAD
That’s what clowns supposed to do.
JESUS
No, I mean. My ma had a rough life, you know. Dragging pails of water to bring home everyday, nothing to look forward to. But come Friday nights, there was this clown who would perform at the plaza. Ma liked going there to watch him. He made her laugh and it was the only time she ever felt happy.
(beat)
Besides giving birth to me. Or so she claimed.
MUHAMMAD
Named after a fucking clown.
JESUS
Yeah.
(Muhammad roars with laughter)
MUHAMMAD
Shit, son, I always thought you was Catholic from Mexico, named after the goddamned Jesus Christ!
JESUS
Yeah, yeah. All these Jesus dudes. Jesus Ramirez, Jesus Miguel, Jesus Eduardo, with their big crosses around their necks. Well, I ain’t one of ‘em. I was named after a clown and that’s that.
MUHAMMAD
I thought Jews hate Jesus Christ.
JESUS
Naw, naw. Why would we hate someone who’s been dead for thousands of years? I’ve never met Jesus Christ and I don’t give a fuck.
MUHAMMAD
Do they got many Jews in Honduras?
JESUS
I wouldn’t know. I’ve never been to Honduras.
They eat more of the sandwich.
MUHAMMAD
This is some good shit.
JESUS
Yeah?
MUHAMMAD
Yeah. Yeah, man. Kosher beef. You can’t beat kosher beef, son.
JESUS
Mmhmm.
They eats some more.
MUHAMMAD
They got a new restaurant opening a block away from the apartment building where I live. They serve food from Eritrea.
JESUS
From where?
MUHAMMAD
Eritrea.
JESUS
Huh?
MUHAMMAD
Eritrea.
JESUS
Ive never heard of it.
MUHAMMAD
It’s a really small country in east Africa.
JESUS
I don’t know east Africa that well.
(pause)
I probably couldn’t name many countries in Africa.
MUHAMMAD
Most people don’t.
(pause)
That’s why when people ask me where I’m from, I say I’m from Africa. I don’t tell them which country I’m from. I wait for them to ask, but they never ask me where. It makes me angry sometimes.
JESUS
Where in Africa are you from.
MUHAMMAD
Eritrea.
JESUS
That’s in east Africa, right?
MUHAMMAD
That’s where my parents were from.
JESUS
You born there?
MUHAMMAD
Yeah. Then we came here when I was 2 years old. Never been back since then.
JESUS
Is it all black people there?
MUHAMMAD
Mostly, yeah. But there’s some brown, some white folks.
JESUS
Just like in Honduras.
MUHAMMAD
I thought you never been there.
JESUS
No, but I’m Latino. We got white, black, brown Latinos.
MUHAMMAD
Yeah, yeah I see.
JESUS
Are you Catholic?
MUHAMMAD
Naw. I’m a Muslim.
JESUS
Fuck, man. I thought you was hell-bent on converting me into a Christian.
MUHAMMAD
No, why would you think that.
JESUS
People keep asking me why I’m Jewish, named after a clown called Jesus. Then when I tell ‘em I don’t care about religion, they try to save my soul.
MUHAMMAD
I don’t care about your soul.
(beat)
I don’t think Allah gives a shit.
JESUS
About what?
MUHAMMAD
What you believe in. We got so many religions in the world, but only one religion can be right, right? That’s what people say. But I don’t think that.
JESUS
Then what do you think of religion?
MUHAMMAD
It don’t matter if you’re a Muslim or Jewish. All you gotta do is work hard, pay your dues, leave people alone. That’s all God would want from you and me.
JESUS
I can live with that. You must think about God a lot if you came up with that.
MUHAMMAD
Naw, man, naw. It’s simple. God is simple. But I don’t practice Islam, though.
JESUS
Mmm.
MUHAMMAD
I pray at least once a week.
JESUS
When do you pray?
MUHAMMAD
Fridays, at noon.
JESUS
Oh is that why you always leave work early on Friday noons?
MUHAMMAD
Yeah, man. Friday is our holy day.
JESUS
Holy day?
MUHAMMAD
I mean, like Sabbath.
JESUS
Sabbath?
MUHAMMAD
I think Jews call it shabbat.
JESUS
Si. Now I understand.
MUHAMMAD
Comprendo?
JESUS
Huh?
MUHAMMAD
Comprendo? Isn’t that Spanish for -I Understand?
JESUS
Yeah, man. But you said it wrong, so I didn’t understand what you were saying in Spanish.
They finish eating sandwich. Jesus offers Muhammad some chips from the bag.
JESUS
You from Nation of Islam?
MUHAMMAD
Naw.
JESUS
What kinda Muslim are you then.
MUHAMMAD
Just a Muslim.
JESUS
What kind, though.
MUHAMMAD
I don’t know what you mean.
JESUS
Well, are you like a Black Muslim who hates white people. Or are you one of them crazy Muslim who roots for Al-Qaida and hates the American government?
MUHAMMAD
Neither. I’m just a regular Muslim who watches porn, drinks beers, and rarely prays at all.
JESUS
I’m like that, too. I’m just a goddamned Jew who drinks beer and watches porn.
MUHAMMAD
You don’t practice?
JESUS
Practice what?
MUHAMMAD
Judaism. Your religion.
JESUS
Not really. My wife didn’t care before but now she’s starting to take it seriously.
MUHAMMAD
You believe God exists?
JESUS
Oh yeah. There’s a god up there somewhere. But I don’t think it’s like that.
MUHAMMAD
No?
JESUS
No. I think maybe there’s more than one force in control.
MUHAMMAD
You mean more than one god?
JESUS
I don’t know. Maybe not a god, but something supreme, something powerful.
MUHAMMAD
I think that way sometimes too.
JESUS
I’ve seen these Christian paintings of God as an old white man with a long white beard. I don’t get that shit.
MUHAMMAD
Me neither.
JESUS
The image of God as an old white man sitting on a throne, ruling over humans, fuck that.
MUHAMMAD
Like a dictator.
JESUS
The White Man. I’m not gonna pray to a fucking white man. I don’t think God looks like a man.
MUHAMMAD
Maybe a woman, then?
JESUS
No. I believe God has no shape.
MUHAMMAD
Yeah, yeah.
(beat)
Muslims say that God is light.
JESUS
Light?
MUHAMMAD
Yeah, light. But I’m not sure exactly what that means.
JESUS
Light is something divine. Pure. Heavenly.
MUHAMMAD
Yeah.
JESUS
I’d rather worship light than to get down on my knees to worship a fucking white man sitting on a throne.
Jesus takes two long slim-jims out of his bag. He hands one to Muhammad.
JESUS
This one is beef, too.
MUHAMMAD
Thanks. I never eat pork.
JESUS
Whenever my wife goes to the market to pick up meat, she says she gotta hold her nose up in the air because she can’t stand the smell of raw pork.
MUHAMMAD
Is your wife Mexican, too?
(corrects himself)
I mean, is she brown- Latino? Like you?
JESUS
Yeah. She’s from Cuba and I’m from Honduras.
MUHAMMAD
How did you meet your wife.
JESUS
At a synagogue. It was a Spanish language synagogue.
MUHAMMAD
They got Spanish language synagogues here?
JESUS
Oh, yeah, man. Big time.
MUHAMMAD
I thought you don’t practice Judaism. Why were you at a synagogue.
JESUS
I’m Jewish by culture.
MUHAMMAD
Culture?
JESUS
I gotta stay in touch with my roots, man.
MUHAMMAD
Yeah I feel you. You don’t wanna be white-washed and forget who you are.
JESUS
I got some real mad Latino Jewish pride, son.
MUHAMMAD
(eats chips, then speaks)
You don’t look Jewish.
JESUS
How are Jews supposed to look, then.
MUHAMMAD
White.
JESUS
Bullshit, man.
MUHAMMAD
Relax, bro. I’m just playing. I knew some black Jews in my life.
JESUS
Black Jews where?
MUHAMMAD
Here.
JESUS
They American?
MUHAMMAD
African American.
JESUS
African as in Black American or African as in they came here from Africa?
MUHAMMAD
African, like me. They were all from Ethiopia. Religious, too.
JESUS
I don’t like religious people.
MUHAMMAD
I can’t stand them. I never listen when religious folks try to tell me how to live my life.
JESUS
Religious Muslims?
MUHAMMAD
Yeah, that too but mostly religious white folks. Christians. When I’m on my way walking to the construction site in the mornings, they try to shove these bullshit Christian propaganda into my face. I just laugh at em and tell em to shove it.
JESUS
Yeah, yeah.
(mocking)
Jesus will save your soul! Well, fuck me, my name’s Jesus so I’ll save your fucking soul!
They finish their Slim Jims and chips. Jesus’s lunch is empty. No more food.
JESUS
I’m still hungry.
MUHAMMAD
We gotta get back to work.
JESUS
No, man, fuck that.
MUHAMMAD
What?
JESUS
Listen, I’m tired of bullshitting at work all day. I gotta bolt. I wanna go somewhere and have a nice day off.
MUHAMMAD
Like what.
JESUS
I wanna go where the ladies are.
MUHAMMAD
You wanna get laid?
JESUS
I need some action.
MUHAMMAD
So do I.
JESUS
I feel like going to a strip club and blow off the steam. Waste away my money, get drunk and have a sweet babe giving me a lap dance.
MUHAMMAD
Yeah?
JESUS
Yeah.
MUHAMMAD
That sounds like a good plan.
(pause)
What about your wife.
JESUS
She don’t wanna give me sex. She’s too tired everyday.
MUHAMMAD
Women.
JESUS
I don’t even find her attractive anymore.
MUHAMAMD
Shit.
JESUS
The other night, we had a fight. She yelled at me that I’d let myself go, she didn’t want to look at me or touch me anymore.
MUHAMMAD
That musta stung.
JESUS
Well, yeah. But I’m off the hook now. She won’t care if I go to a motel and have sex with a hooker.
MUHAMMAD
Yeah.
JESUS
Anyway, it don’t matter. I ain’t telling her about it.
MUHAMMAD
Smart move.
JESUS
You wanna go to the strip club?
MUHAMMAD
Naw, man. I can’t get fired. I need this job.
JESUS
Not unless you bring in a favor for the boss.
MUHAMMAD
How’s that?
JESUS
Once last week, one of the guys, Mike, you know him?
MUHAMMAD
Yeah.
JESUS
He skipped off from work somewhere during lunch. The boss was mad. But the next day, Mike brought a case of whiskey. Johnny Walker black. And the boss relaxed and let him off the hook.
MUHAMMAD
Whiskey?
JESUS
Oh yeah. Just bring in something tomorrow and the boss won’t say anything.
MUHAMMAD
Johnny Walker Black- that’s some good shit.
(beat)
JESUS
I’m gonna bolt, man. You coming?
MUHAMMAD
Hold on- I’m thinking.
JESUS
About?
MUHAMMAD
We were just talking about God and now we’re talking about going to the strip club.
(They laugh)
JESUS
What do you think God would say about strip clubs.
MUHAMMAD
That kind of shit is forbidden in Islam, but so is alcohol. But I still drink beer everyday. I guess I’m going to Hell for that.
JESUS
Not me. We ain’t going to Hell.
MUHAMMAD
No? Why not.
JESUS
Jews don’t believe in Hell.
MUHAMMAD
Really?
JESUS
Something like Hell, anyway. Eternal damnation and suffering, none of that applies to Judaism
MUHAMMAD
So where do people’s souls go after they die?
JESUS
They go back to God. Some say that we’ll even be reincarnated. But there ain’t no Hellfire.
MUHAMMAD
Damn. Maybe I should convert to Judaism.
JESUS
Listen, I ain’t trying to attack your religion but why would you want to worship a God that’ll send you to hell just for going to a strip club and looking at naked women?
MUHAMMAD
Yeah.
JESUS
If that’s the kind of God who’ll throw you into Hell just for enjoying a good pair of tits and bushy vag, then I’d rather be an atheist. I don’t want to worship a god like that.
(pause)
God is stupid.
MUHAMMAD
Fuck God!
JESUS
Fuck Jesus Christ!
MUHAMMAD
Fuck religion!
JESUS
Fuck your religion, fuck my religion.
MUHAMMAD
Maybe Allah doesn’t give a fuck if I go to a strip club. Why should he? I’m not hurting anyone.
JESUS
It’s not like you’re Hitler. You’re not going around putting Jews in death camps and then killing them off.
MUHAMMAD
I’m just a man who got needs that gotta be fulfilled. I need a woman. That’s my duty as a human being, right?
JESUS
Right, yeah, yeah. Of course.
MUHAMMAD
I’ll have a white milk girl grinding me up and down. Then I want a fine brown honey girl to shake her ass in my face. And then finish the night off watching a black cocoa babe get down and dirty with me.
JESUS
Now you talking. I want a pair of huge tits buried in my face.
MUHAMMAD
Yeah, man- yeah.
JESUS
You wanna join me?
MUHAMMAD
Yeah, yeah.
(takes his wallet out and counts money. He only has 10 dollars)
Shit. I gotta go to the bank to get more money. I wanna have a loaded day, son. I don’t wanna have a cock teasing and then be cock blocked when I’m short on cash.
JESUS
Yeah, to the bank, then. I’m short, too.
MUHAMMAD
Gotta milk more for lap dances.
JESUS
Maybe we’ll find some sweet babes for tonight. Hell, I’ll even buy you a BJ.
Jesus and Muhammad laugh..
Fantasizing, Daydreaming
Of Naked Girls, Girls, Girls
Jesus and Muhammad,
To the Strip Club!
On the way to the bank
To collect money-
But then<
A bloody, messy tragedy ENSUES!
The light fades out.
Black Out.
The End.
Dec 9, 2009
59 The Punk and the Queen (video)
My newest video THE PUNK AND THE QUEEN is available on youtube now! Please watch it and let me know what you think! :-]
Dec 1, 2009
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